Every night I lay in bed and try to fight a subtle case of insomnia, or so I say. But the reason why I can’t sleep is probably not because of a sickness, but because I tend to think too much at this time of night. In most instances, I think about what my possible purpose in life is, and what would happen to me in the nearing future when I graduate out of college. Back in high school I thought college was the answer to everything- where you would find your calling, where you’d learn about what you truly want to do- but in a few months I’ll be stepping into my last collegiate year and I still have no idea about what I want to do in my life. I could blame the wide array of interests I have but honestly, I know that it’s not just that. On the other hand, I also don’t know what else there is to explain my lack of purpose.
I see all these people around me who have already achieved so much at such young ages, and I am left here, staring in awe. When I was younger I always thought that things would always turn out as I expect them to, that there would be something I’d eventually find that I’m quite a natural at and that I love to do. Sadly, 19 years into life and I’ve found none. It’s sad (and unfair, if you’ll allow my childish ways) to see your peers excel in the things they love while you remain in a stagnant place, without even knowing what exactly it is you want to do. It’s especially hard to accept your place when it feels like you’re running at 20 kph while the rest of the world is zooming away at 150.
I know I’m probably not alone, I have friends who are also feeling the same way, but I can’t help having a surge of panic because everyone I know is good at something, (some even good at practically everything), whether they know it or not while I feel so…worthless. I guess I’ll just have to wait a couple more years and see how everything turns out.